Talking to strangers can make any of us feel nervous; good EQ helps overcome this and to avoid bad habits

Last week I had the pleasure of attending 5 different in-person networking events; a couple were conferences, one was a charity event, one was a lecture and one was a pure old-fashioned meet new-people with no other agenda.

This was the most in-person networking I’d done in a while; throw in the hot weather in London and it really should have been a joyous occasion to be back out there again meeting business folk and talking about all the good stuff that we are doing at Shiageto.

However, something strange hit me at each and every one of the events…

I FELT VERY NERVOUS…

Nervous? But you facilitate large groups every day and are very adept at making small talk. Surely you couldn’t have felt afraid?

I sure did.

At each event I struggled with my words, found reason not to make eye contact with people and was disproportionately obsessed with my phone. It just felt weird and easier to stay in my comfort zone.

Where I did pluck up the courage to meet new people, I often didn’t go very far just chatting to the closest person or people I already had some sort of connection with.

Ultimately this wasn’t getting me far. I wasn’t really achieving the point of attending a networking event and worse, by not making the most of being there, I was in fact wasting my precious time (it’s not like I am short of things to do as the founder of a small business).

Fortunately EQ came into play

Once I realised this, I got the bit between my teeth and decided to do something about it, rather than just waste the rest of my time at each event.

This is where EQ was my fortunate saviour. In a quick 5 step plan I got to work:

• First I began to assess why I was feeling discomforted (memories of first day at a new school came flooding back to me) and reassured myself in my own head that I had been here before, overcome it and that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.
• Second, I debunked the negative stories going round in my head. Things like: they won’t want to talk to me; this might go really badly; what if I say something wrong or spill my drink on them; etc. [It’s times like this I run through a quick mini-premortem so that I am prepared and can no longer use negative thinking as a limiting factor.]
• Third, I looked around for a friendly face and identified something in common to break the ice.

[It doesn’t have to be anything complex; it’s times like that talking about the weather or the conference or even just saying “I don’t know about you but I’m feeling really rusty at this” can be just the thing]

• Fourth, I got on a roll. Why limit myself to speaking to just one person? I would find a suitable point to close off the conversation [a polite thanks and mentioning how I want to catch someone else before they depart is a great technique] and I didn’t forget to exchange contact details.
• Fifth, I made sure my body language was open and welcoming for others to approach me so that before I knew it people were joining the conversation and I wasn’t short of networkees [is that even a word??]

How did it pan out?

I have to say that once I got into my groove, I loved being back. I met a whole bunch of new people and hopefully those connections will lead to great things for me and my business

I did however have one important observation that I wanted to share

Try to understand your unconscious biases and the impact they have

What does this mean?

Well, I found it fascinating that when I did gather the energy to overcome my nervousness and stride out into each arena ready for a networking masterclass, invariably my first port of call each time was actually to another part of my comfort zone.

At best, this meant people I already knew and had something in common with. But where this didn’t happen, I noticed that I was drawn to people that reminded me of me or those that I positively attributed their looks and outward persona.

This could mean that I identified with their personality (oh, he looks like an outgoing person), or I actually physically identified with them (oh, they are tall just like me) or I found myself drawn to them (oh, they seem attractive).

Without really thinking about it, if left to my own biases, I could have easily ended up talking just to the tall, charming middle-aged Caucasian men and women at each venue.

If there is one thing I know for certain, it’s that I would have missed out on so many amazing contacts if I had done that.

I would never have spoken to the young manager from an aerospace company who had just taken on her first leadership role and wanted some tips or the elderly gentleman who was looking to retrain as a teacher so I connected him to a charity I work with that does just that.

I would never have met a lady that works in a similar field to me and might one day make a great collaborator for my business. And I most certainly would never have set up a coffee with a CEO of a successful retail business because from the outside he didn’t look anything like a CEO of a successful retail business.

In conclusion

So, there you go. Just another week in the world of Faris Aranki and Shiageto Consulting. I’m definitely glad to be back at networking events but I don’t think I’ll leave that nervousness behind anytime soon.

That’s ok; it’s healthy to have some nervousness plus the great thing about the pandemic is that I found other less frightening ways to meet new folk (still I’ve got to be careful about those biases…)

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness.

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ